Monday, October 2, 2017

not coincidence

     As I mentioned yesterday, the food in Seattle was serious delish.  Sierra and her friend Mikayla ended our trip by picking up some macaroons from a store called Lady Yum.  As we headed to the airport, I sampled one. Oh my  goodness, I didn't even know I  liked macaroons until I tried one of these.  When we got to the airport, Mikayla mentioned she'd seen a Lady Yum there when we flew in a few days earlier.  I decided I really needed to buy some macaroons to take home, but then remembered we'd flown into a different terminal (with a different airline) on the way there.  Sad face, but I decided I'd already had enough sugar for the week.  As we walked to our departing gate Sierra remarked, "There's a sister missionary!"  I didn't even see her go by in the crowd, but since she was alone we decided she must be returning home from her mission.  "How great for her family!" I commented and we continued to our gate. I checked the departure time and we grabbed a seat by the window.  That's when it happened. I started thinking about those macaroons, obsessing really.  I needed to take some home (not wanted, needed).  But, I reasoned with myself, The store is not even in this terminal.  You don't have time. I tried to think about something else.  I tried to sort pictures on my phone.  I tried talking to the girls. I tried looking out the window at the beautiful fall day. And yet, there it was, this nagging, relentless thought....must find macaroons. And the counter thought...this is ridiculous, you do not need those macaroons. After another minute or two, I couldn't stand it any more.  I stood up and announced, "I'm going to find that Lady Yum store. I'll be back." The girls looked up from their phones, "Okay?" And away I went, running down the concourse, must have macaroons, must have macaroons.
      Now please know, I consider myself to be a person of strong self-discipline. But every once in awhile, something trumps that, like this little situation. I rounded the first hall leading back to the main center of the airport.  This airport is small, maybe the terminals will be connected. I started sprinting past some of the other stores and decided, You really just need to get some directions. The people at the first store where I stopped at had no idea what I was talking about.  Frustrated, I did a 360 turn to decided who I should talk to next.  Surprised, I saw the sister missionary standing by herself against a wall.  I approached her and asked, "Hi sister, are you going home?"  She responded that she was not going home, and in fact had just flown in from Puerto Rico as part of the evacuation of all the mormon missionaries due to the hurricane.  She had been reassigned to Yakama Washington and her flight had been delayed for several hours.  I was shocked.  I asked if I could help, and she asked if she could use my phone to call the mission office and tell them she was delayed so they could arrange a ride for her later that night.  I asked if she had been in contact with her parents, and she said only through email.  I offered to let her text her mom.  She was grateful for the opportunity and I can only imagine (as a missionary mom myself) how happy her mom was to get that text. As we talked some more, she shared with me all the craziness of surviving the hurricane, but also feeling peaceful as the storm battered the house they were staying in for twelve hours solid hours.

Sometimes there are coincidences. But sometimes, things happen for a reason.    I am confident that this strange little macaroon quest was nothing more then a unique prompting that resulted in me having the great privilege of helping this sister missionary.

Yesterday,  our family watched the annual general conference of our church.  I was particularly struck by this talk referencing "divine design" as I thought about how that thought of finding those little cookies was enough to move me out of my seat, and directly toward someone who needed to know that her Heavenly Father was aware of her. As  I listened to this talk by Elder Rasband, I also couldn't help but think of my own life.  It was a sweet assurance to me that my Heavenly Father loves me and is making more of my life through His plan then I could ever make with my own plan.

After texting her mom, Sister Goeff returned with me to my gate and we talked until it was time for the girls and I to board our plane. We exchanged hugs and she took a picture of us together to send to her family.  It's these kind of moments and experiences that make me seriously love my life, no matter what's happened to this point.  My life is so good and God is so good.

 And Post Script to this story. In the interim, while Sister Goeff was texting her mom, I did find those blessed macaroons.  The two terminals did connect and Lady Yum was less then 400 feet from where I first saw this sweet sister missionary.  I know, cool, right?!
 Happy Monday my beautiful readers.

Saturday, September 30, 2017

thank you Seattle

Last weekend the girls finally got to redeem a christmas present from 2017, Coldplay concert tickets.  The venue was Seattle and our first time to the city.  I am in love. Photo credits to Sierra for most of these pics. ( I will get my camera out again one of these days).

The Coldplay concert ruined me.  As in I am convinced I may never ever love another concert as much as I loved this one. I will simply describe it using one of the Brits favorite terms, "Brilliant" 

  Gentry and I can highly recommend the Seattle Art Museum.

If you visit Seattle, Pike's Market is a must see. 

The flowers were the most beautiful I've ever seen and crazy inexpensive. Huge, massive bouquets for $10.

 The pier is also a must see complete with a carousel.

 And we always enjoy the local talent.

Museum of Pop Culture was also a good time.

LOVED  this city that seemed to offer a little bit of everything. Not pictured, but must try...Ivar's fish and chips and Von's homemade mac and cheese. Thank you Seattle. Best time ever.

Thursday, September 28, 2017

stay tuned

I have a lot  of things I could be doing right now.  The kitchen is a mess, it's trash day tomorrow and I haven't taken it out yet, and then there's laundry and paper work. You know this list.  So often I find myself assessing the day based on how much I checked off on that infamous list. But a lot of those things, when I reflect back on this day in the future, simply won't matter. I'm confident that in five years I'm not going to look back and say, "I remember it well, September 28th, 2017, I did three loads of laundry and  took out the trash".  These things are necessary, but so empty when I think of what's important to me in this life. I've missed blogging.  Often I  don't write simply because there's just too much to say and I don't have the energy to say it. My divorce has taken over fifteen months, and I'm still trying to pick of the pieces of me. I feel confident that they are all there, but they are scattered and shifted, and in need of a new configuration.
I'm in a strange place right now.  It's a foreign limbo with all of it's inherent uncertainty and unsettledness.  I'm trying to be okay in this space.  I'm trying to be present in each moment instead of boarding the emotional hamster wheel.  I've spent far too much time on that wheel, and I've grown quite tired of it.
As I mentioned in my last post, there are lots of changes going on.  For starters, two weeks ago, I bought a new house. It's new to me at least.  When the girls and I walked through it for the first time, and after just twenty minutes, I turned to my realtor and said, "This is where we're supposed to be".  I felt it in my heart. I felt it in my bones.  My spirit just knew, it was time for a change and this new home was the change I'd been praying for. What followed can only be described as a miracle. As my divorce dragged on, I had to ask the sellers for an extension on my contract four different times.   Four times. And all four times, the sellers graciously agreed. My realtor kept commenting, "This never happens."
So, this is my new adventure.  Or one of them at least.  The bones of the new house were amazing, but I wanted to make it  my own.  Two weeks ago we started demo, gutting the kitchen and family room. The gutting was healing, watching that first swing of the hammer and shattering of plaster, ripping out drywall and jackhammering tile.  So much dust and visual obscurity because of it, and yet the next day, a new space had been created.  So, here's to new spaces and new adventures.  I hope to document the next phase in this journey. This was my kitchen last week.
  Rough right now, I know.  But stay tuned. 
 Construction and building and growth and good things to come.
Not just for my kitchen.

Thursday, September 7, 2017

twelve months

Hello my dear readers, I'm still here.  Lots of changes going on.  Good changes. Hard changes. And I pinky swear to share a few of them in the next week.  But today, I had to write about a very happy milestone.  Today, September 7th,  Drew celebrates his year mark (aka "hump day") or half way point on his mission.  This past year has been such a blur in many ways. Perhaps, because of all the hard, it's been a little easier having Drew gone knowing he is doing something so healing and life changing. LDS missions change these kids in powerful and positive ways.   I've witnessed it so many times.  First with Sadie, many times with other peoples kids, and now Drew. And rather then say too much more about this, I will just let Drew share in his own words.  This is a small excerpt from his email.

" I am so grateful to be apart of it, and being able to share this great news with others. It has been a great year, and I'm looking forward to many more great times to come in the next one. I am away from family and friends, always tired, working my hardest I ever have in my life, constantly being turned down and treated bad, but somehow I am happy :-) and that alone is enough for me to know this mission is all worth it. I love and miss yall so much, and hope things are going well.. See you all in a quick ONE!!!!!!!! ;-)))"

How I miss this kid.  Here's to a quick ONE.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

when every second hurts

It was one year ago today that my husband of twenty-five years told me he wanted a divorce.  I can't recall a lot of details about that day.  I know it happened.  I know I survived it. I know it was brutal.  Although I don't recall the details of that day, I do recall being very aware of one inescapable thought.  The thought was this,  "Terra, you have to make a choice today.  You have to make a choice right now.  You have to make a choice in this very moment.  You have decide if you will turn away from God or to Him. There are only two choices here."  The choice for me was simple.  Although my path had never, ever looked so incredibly difficult and indescribably dark, and although in that moment I felt I would never understand what had happened or why,   I knew I had to trust God.  It's a choice that I've had to make again and again everyday for the last three hundred and sixty five days.  It's a choice I've never questioned.  It's a choice that has carried me through shock and denial and crushing depression. It's choice that has healed me and strengthened me and lifted me out of the most griping and all encompassing darkness.  It's a choice that brought me to this very day today, one year later. And as I move forward, it's a choice I will continue to make because I know, it is the only true path to light.  It is the only true path to healing.  And ultimately for me, it is the only true path to

There is so much happiness ahead for me.  I feel it when I see the light first enter my room in the morning.  I feel it when I see my kids laughing.  I feel it when, after a rock bottom day, I get back on my feet and stand again.  I feel it when I pray and my Heavenly Father whispers to my heart how much He loves me and how proud He is of me.  And today I especially feel it as I look to my future with hope,  and excitement, and my wide open 

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

prom, ducky, and rethinking it all

Sierra attended her junior prom with Parker two weeks ago.  She and Parker have been bff's since forever.  Sometimes I think those are the best kind of dates.

Last week, in honor of the whole prom thing, I decided to watch one of my favorite 80's movies, Pretty in Pink. I think it's arguably the most iconic prom film of the era.  Molly Ringwald was at her best with the whole lip pout thing, and the soundtrack... If you Leave...who didn't have a couple of "cry it outs" to that one?  So, I still love this movie 20+ years later, but I especially loved watching it in my current circumstances, as my current self, and with the life experience I've gained.  I reflected how my sixteen year old self  was completely in love with Andrew McCarty (Blain) and how I wanted that happy ending for he and Andie (Molly Ringwald).  So, 20+ years later, and after more "life experience " then I could have ever imagined, I have to say, I would have chosen Ducky.  Ducky (Jon Cryer) plays Andie's bff in the movie.   Ducky was as true and loyal as they come.  And more than anything, Ducky knew how to make Andie laugh.

  And, If I may borrow a line from Jane Austen, 
I dearly love to laugh. 

Monday, April 17, 2017

I miss.

Hello my little blog,
     I miss you.  I miss normalcy.  I miss a routine that conserved my mental energy and let me coast on auto pilot.   I miss all that was good about my old life.  I miss connections that I've lost.  I miss what I thought my future would hold.  I miss my favorite songs that have now taken on different meanings.  I miss emotional security even in it's completely convoluted form.  I miss my kids having that too. I miss the me that mostly saw the world through rose colored glasses.  I miss waking up in the morning with nothing more than the mundane task of laundry on my mind.  I miss what could have been.  I miss breathing without having to think about breathing.

And sometimes, I miss the old me.  

But mostly, I am so grateful for the new me.  The me that knows how to do hard again, and again, and again.  The me that refuses to give up or back down.  The me that is stronger and better and filled with hope.  The me who understands, on an even deeper level, that I am a trusted and worthy daughter of God. The me that has so much to do and feels so much light ahead .  

Beautiful, happy, healing, joyful
l i g h t.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

MORP 2017

MORP dance..."Let's glow crazy" with a white out for the neon dance lights.  

And In and Out burger. The best kind of casual.

Sierra and her date, Docker.

Glow Baby, Glow.