Almost three years ago, I created a vision board. This was one of the cards I put on my closet wall.
Although I loved practicing yoga, it wasn't my main exercise focus at the time. I remember feeling very prompted to write this card, but not knowing why. I also remember looking at my board a few weeks after creating it and thinking, "Why did I write that card? I think I'll take it down". I remember reaching to remove it and having a very clear thought come to my mind, "Do NOT take down that card!" So I didn't. Fast forward to six months after d-day. While looking for something to help me navigate all of my trauma, I found a women's retreat that would be taking place in Utah. After doing some research, I decided to go. There I formed some incredible friendships with other women who had experienced trauma similar to mine. We had amazing mentors, and a huge part of our experience involved yoga. As I returned home and continued to practice yoga, I found that it was an irreplaceable tool to managing my anxiety. The more I linked breath and movement, the more peaceful I felt. I knew I wanted to share this gift with other people, especially women in trauma. The next month I started searching for a YTT program and within weeks found the perfect one only three miles from my house. My 200 hours of training were the very best escape. When I was in class, I was just me. Somehow, when I walked into the studio each day, the rest of my life, the divorce part of my life, just disappeared. I graduated in May of 2017. After working hard to develop my own little business last year, I am happy to share with you my dear readers, that two weeks ago I was offered a position to teach yoga at Life Time fitness (amazing programs, gyms nationwide). So my vision board card will now go into a book of visions realized. My heart is full as I get to pursue this new opportunity. More then anything, I hope to be able to help others to experience the power and breath and love of yoga.
The light in me honors and respects the light in each one of you dear readers.
I'm trying to keep it real here as my life evolves, and I evolve, and this little blog of mine evolves.
I often think about writing, but struggle with what to share, and how to share it. It's my hope, that by being as real as possible when sharing my journey, I can help someone else navigate their hard, what ever that looks like.
We all have to do hard. The question is just what do we do with it.
June 1st will mark the two year anniversary of my d-day. I was talking to a friend last week and remarked to her, "I wouldn't change anything about my life to this point." I really wouldn't. But these last eight weeks have been very difficult, as I've once again had to do mortal combat against depression. A few days ago I came to the realization, that in my mind, I had subconsciously put a time line on my healing. I'm a list maker. I crave order and checking off the boxes. The reality is, there is no, DONE WITH DIVORCE box. There just isn't. It's not something you can erase or rewrite. You don't wake up one morning to find it gone. And although I understand this cognitively, my spirit has been trying desperately to check that box with a big red sharpe and pretend it never happened.
It did happen. The course of my life and my kid's lives has been forever altered.
"Where do I go from here?" This is what I've been asking myself this again and again. It's a somewhat tiresome conversation.
But three days ago, I felt a shift.
Our new house has the most amazing back yard complete with several huge shade trees (an absolute anomaly in AZ) and 40 + roses bushes (I promise some pics one of these days).
A few days ago I was sitting outside reading my scriptures, and enjoying what will be the last of our perfect spring days. While reading I came across this verse.
"For behold, I am God; and I am a God of miracles; and I will show unto the world that I am the same yesterday , today and forever; and I work not among the children of men save it be according to their faith."
As I read these words I was reminded of the many miracles I have witnessed these past two years. Our new house is one of them. The first time I walked through it, I looked at my realtor and said, "I am suppose to buy this house. And it's going to take a miracle." At the the time my divorce was no where near being final. There were no funds available for a down payment, and nothing I could offer the current owner to secure the sale. But miracles defy logic. Shortly after this time, I had an opportunity to meet the owners of the home. For some reason, we connected powerfully as we shared unique, yet painful stories of why I had to move, and why they had to sell. Nine months later, and after the sellers extended my contract four times, Sierra, Gentry and I moved into our new home. I remember my realtor commenting, "Sellers never extend contracts that many times. It's unheard of".
Miracles carrying me.
Miracles helping my spirit evolve and trust and hope.
Because even though the box can never really be "checked", it can, through faith and trust, be turned into something resembling a blessing.
I won't give up. I can't give up. That's just not who I am.
And there are so many new things and good things happening.
More about that soon...
My new job, Sierra graduating, Drew coming home, and dating (?!) (Yep).