Thursday, September 7, 2017

twelve months

Hello my dear readers, I'm still here.  Lots of changes going on.  Good changes. Hard changes. And I pinky swear to share a few of them in the next week.  But today, I had to write about a very happy milestone.  Today, September 7th,  Drew celebrates his year mark (aka "hump day") or half way point on his mission.  This past year has been such a blur in many ways. Perhaps, because of all the hard, it's been a little easier having Drew gone knowing he is doing something so healing and life changing. LDS missions change these kids in powerful and positive ways.   I've witnessed it so many times.  First with Sadie, many times with other peoples kids, and now Drew. And rather then say too much more about this, I will just let Drew share in his own words.  This is a small excerpt from his email.

" I am so grateful to be apart of it, and being able to share this great news with others. It has been a great year, and I'm looking forward to many more great times to come in the next one. I am away from family and friends, always tired, working my hardest I ever have in my life, constantly being turned down and treated bad, but somehow I am happy :-) and that alone is enough for me to know this mission is all worth it. I love and miss yall so much, and hope things are going well.. See you all in a quick ONE!!!!!!!! ;-)))"

How I miss this kid.  Here's to a quick ONE.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

when every second hurts

It was one year ago today that my husband of twenty-five years told me he wanted a divorce.  I can't recall a lot of details about that day.  I know it happened.  I know I survived it. I know it was brutal.  Although I don't recall the details of that day, I do recall being very aware of one inescapable thought.  The thought was this,  "Terra, you have to make a choice today.  You have to make a choice right now.  You have to make a choice in this very moment.  You have decide if you will turn away from God or to Him. There are only two choices here."  The choice for me was simple.  Although my path had never, ever looked so incredibly difficult and indescribably dark, and although in that moment I felt I would never understand what had happened or why,   I knew I had to trust God.  It's a choice that I've had to make again and again everyday for the last three hundred and sixty five days.  It's a choice I've never questioned.  It's a choice that has carried me through shock and denial and crushing depression. It's choice that has healed me and strengthened me and lifted me out of the most griping and all encompassing darkness.  It's a choice that brought me to this very day today, one year later. And as I move forward, it's a choice I will continue to make because I know, it is the only true path to light.  It is the only true path to healing.  And ultimately for me, it is the only true path to

There is so much happiness ahead for me.  I feel it when I see the light first enter my room in the morning.  I feel it when I see my kids laughing.  I feel it when, after a rock bottom day, I get back on my feet and stand again.  I feel it when I pray and my Heavenly Father whispers to my heart how much He loves me and how proud He is of me.  And today I especially feel it as I look to my future with hope,  and excitement, and my wide open 

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

prom, ducky, and rethinking it all

Sierra attended her junior prom with Parker two weeks ago.  She and Parker have been bff's since forever.  Sometimes I think those are the best kind of dates.

Last week, in honor of the whole prom thing, I decided to watch one of my favorite 80's movies, Pretty in Pink. I think it's arguably the most iconic prom film of the era.  Molly Ringwald was at her best with the whole lip pout thing, and the soundtrack... If you Leave...who didn't have a couple of "cry it outs" to that one?  So, I still love this movie 20+ years later, but I especially loved watching it in my current circumstances, as my current self, and with the life experience I've gained.  I reflected how my sixteen year old self  was completely in love with Andrew McCarty (Blain) and how I wanted that happy ending for he and Andie (Molly Ringwald).  So, 20+ years later, and after more "life experience " then I could have ever imagined, I have to say, I would have chosen Ducky.  Ducky (Jon Cryer) plays Andie's bff in the movie.   Ducky was as true and loyal as they come.  And more than anything, Ducky knew how to make Andie laugh.

  And, If I may borrow a line from Jane Austen, 
I dearly love to laugh. 

Monday, April 17, 2017

I miss.

Hello my little blog,
     I miss you.  I miss normalcy.  I miss a routine that conserved my mental energy and let me coast on auto pilot.   I miss all that was good about my old life.  I miss connections that I've lost.  I miss what I thought my future would hold.  I miss my favorite songs that have now taken on different meanings.  I miss emotional security even in it's completely convoluted form.  I miss my kids having that too. I miss the me that mostly saw the world through rose colored glasses.  I miss waking up in the morning with nothing more than the mundane task of laundry on my mind.  I miss what could have been.  I miss breathing without having to think about breathing.

And sometimes, I miss the old me.  

But mostly, I am so grateful for the new me.  The me that knows how to do hard again, and again, and again.  The me that refuses to give up or back down.  The me that is stronger and better and filled with hope.  The me who understands, on an even deeper level, that I am a trusted and worthy daughter of God. The me that has so much to do and feels so much light ahead .  

Beautiful, happy, healing, joyful
l i g h t.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

MORP 2017

MORP dance..."Let's glow crazy" with a white out for the neon dance lights.  

And In and Out burger. The best kind of casual.

Sierra and her date, Docker.

Glow Baby, Glow. 

Sunday, March 5, 2017

drewby and the deep south

This Tuesday will mark the sixth month of Drew's mission. It's gone by really fast for the most part. I just know he's exactly where he's suppose to be, and that gets me through most of the intense, missing him moments. The first part of Drew's mission he was stationed in Greenville, Mississippi.  It was a very rough area at times, lots of poverty, and things Drew had never before encountered.  But as he adjusted to his new environment, he also developed a deep love of the people in Greenville.  He also had an opportunity to become very close to some of the families he worked with, like the Coles.

Catching up with some other Elders at a zone conference in Jackson.

Bullet  holes in the sister missionaries car (I don't know why Drew is smiling?!)

Drew's good friend from high school, Elder Webster,  is also serving in the Jackson, Mississippi  mission.

Two weeks ago Drew was transferred to Monroe, Louisiana.  Aka...the home of Duck Dynasty.  Drew's greatest aspiration is to meet the clan and be asked to say the prayer at dinner in the closing scene of one of their episodes (Phil are you out there??)
 Drew has always known how to make people laugh.  His incredibly even temperament combined with his kind heart and quick (and slightly quirky) wit just seems to draw people to him.  Anyway, I will just end this post with a little excerpt from Drew's last email. It's just so Drew.

I was just chilling by the door waiting for elder adams to lock his bike up when all the sudden this old dude comes up behind me and starts yelling at me to repent or be damned! I was like what the heck!? He starts telling me how im full of sin and the mormom church was founded on lust and all this hahahahhahahaha i was blown away! Like dang man have some respect! He was just preaching to us at the top of his lungs like you see guys do on movies or something and making a big scene and i was just laughing . I did defend the church though and did my best to counter everything he said. We went on for like 10 min and people kept watching us and just laughing at this dude haha. I dont know how many times he told us we were damned though! I love the south! So anyway I am in a car share with sisters now so we bike quite a bit. So yesterday we were biking down to some investigators house. There are no sidewalks or bikelanes in the south so you just kinda ride on the edge of the road lol. Anyway we are cruising and all the sudden i get nailed by a taco right on the back! Someone decided to waste a perfectly good taco and do a drive by taco toss on me! It really sucked lolol! Especially all that taco juice on the white shirt, not a good combo lemme tell ya. Anyways thats about it for this week haha. I am loving my mission and all the things that come with it! Deuces yall have a good one!

How I miss that kid.  Happy Sunday.

Monday, February 13, 2017


I went running today for the first time in forever. It made my heart so happy.  It's a perfect Arizona winter day, a few lazy clouds hanging around, sunshine breaking through, and 70 degrees.  The best kind of day to run.  I know me.  Very well.  I have never been able to heal my mind or my spirit without healing my body.  They are so intricately connected.   Last February I created my first vision board (more about that to come). On one of the cards I wrote,  "I will become a certified yoga instructor and have the opportunity to teach".  I wasn't even sure why I wrote this.  I have mostly been doing Pilates for the last several years. But then, after my women's retreat in November,  this goal became something I knew I needed to pursue.

So here goes my next adventure.
Graduating in June.

Namaste, my beautiful readers.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

surprise yourself

Take a pen and write this down
Draw something that can't be found
And learn to walk again somehow
You know you might surprise yourself
Love her if you only knew
The times that train has fooled me too
And tears me from a place I know
It helps me to surprise myself
You know you can surprise yourself
So let go and surprise yourself
(jack garratt-surprise yourself)

my mantra.
my new life.
welcome 2017

Monday, December 12, 2016

new york, new york (sing it with me)

Change is inevitable. You can embrace it or fight it.  This year for thanksgiving, we needed to shake it up, do something different, and make some new memories. 

Sing it Frank, Start spreading the news...
And sing Mr. Sinatra did, all the way to phoenix airport, until Sierra, Gentry, and I arrived, and then hopped on a big old jet plane that was New York City bound. 
After a happy and exciting flight (the girls had never been to NYC), we finally arrived at JFK. Sadie and Andy were thirty minutes behind us, flying in from Salt Lake. We all met up at our hotel that night and began, what I think I can safely say, was the most amazing vacation I've had in forever.

It was a hard decision, but I decided to leave my camera behind this trip and instead asked Sierra to be my blog photographer.  This post is most of her work, mixed with some of my iphone pics. 
Sierra's getting really good, and if you happen to be local, message me if you'd like her to do a complimentary family photo shoot for her portfolio. 

First stop, Macy's day parade.

Then a stroll downtown. 

Next up, Empire State Building.

It's was crazy cold at the top for these AZ girls.

Time Square.  Neon electricity at it's finest. 


Plus some really cool street art. 

The subway experience.  

If you ask my girls what was their favorite thing about NY, they will tell you about this sign.  One night, while taking the subway, I watched as a young man methodically moved toward us. At the last minute he stepped to his right toward this window, pulled out a razor blade, and scratched these letters in the window.  Five seconds later, the train arrived at the next stop and he got off.  All timed, all calculated, and all around kind of disturbing ( I thought).  My girls, on the other hand, thought it was to coolest thing ever to witness a real, live New York gang member defacing a subway window.  Hmmm.

We had the chance to see two Broadway shows, Wicked and Lion King.  

Hakuna Matata. I can relate.

We also ventured out to try some of New York's best eats. 

This is a sample of one of the crazy shake options at 
photo credit black tap
Gentry tried the cotton candy shake and Sierra and I had the peanut butter.  Both delish.  Also, we all loved their burgers.  If you go in the winter, bundle up, we waited about 45 minutes in-line. Survey says...worth the wait!

This next restaurant was my hands down favorite.  Raclette.  Basically it's this amazingly seasoned meat, potatoes, and vegetables smothered in a fresh, hot melted scrape of to die for cheese right from the cheese wheel. They also have a variety of gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches. Yeah.

 On our way to a restaurant one night, we ended up walking through this christmas tree lot.  The smell of the fresh cut pine was so nice, and I loved getting to see New York dress up for christmas. 

On the day we visited the 9/11 it was cold and raining. It fit the very sobering experiencing of standing in the very place where so many innocent people lost their lives over fifteen years ago.  I tried to explain to my younger girls what it was like to watch everything happen on that day.

I just couldn't find the words. 

Two thousand nine hundred and seventy seven innocent people. 

Sometimes there just are no words. 

Our last stop, the iconic Brooklyn Bridge. 
We took the subway over and walked back across toward Manhattan. 

And that my friends, was our New York city adventure.
I think we just might have a new thanksgiving tradition.

Happy Monday!