Friday, May 4, 2018

a shift

I'm trying to keep it real here as my life evolves, and I evolve, and this little blog of mine evolves. 

I often think about writing, but struggle with what to share, and how to share it. It's my hope, that by being as real as possible when sharing my journey, I can help someone else navigate their hard, what ever that looks like.
We all have to do hard. The question is just what do we do with it.

June 1st will mark the two year anniversary of my d-day. I was talking to a friend last week and remarked to her, "I wouldn't change anything about my life to this point." I really wouldn't. But these last eight weeks have been very difficult, as I've once again had to do mortal combat against depression. A few days ago I came to the realization, that in my mind, I had subconsciously put a time line on my healing. I'm a list maker. I crave order and checking off the boxes.  The reality is, there is no, DONE WITH DIVORCE box. There just isn't. It's not something you can erase or rewrite. You don't wake up one morning to find it gone. And although I understand this cognitively, my spirit has been trying desperately to check that box with a big red sharpe and pretend it never happened.
It did happen. The course of my life and my kid's lives has been forever altered.
"Where do I go from here?" This is what I've  been asking myself this again and again. It's  a somewhat tiresome conversation.

But three days ago, I felt a shift.

Our new house has the most amazing back yard complete with several huge shade trees (an absolute anomaly in AZ) and 40 + roses bushes (I promise some pics one of these days).
A few days ago I was sitting outside reading my scriptures, and enjoying what will be the last of our perfect spring days. While reading I came across this verse.

"For behold, I am God; and I am a God of miracles; and I will show unto the world that I am the same yesterday , today and forever; and I work not among the children of men save it be according to their faith."

As I read these words I was reminded of the many miracles I have witnessed these past two years. Our new house is one of them. The first time I walked through it, I looked at my realtor and said, "I am suppose to buy this house. And it's going to take a miracle." At the the time my divorce was no where near being final. There were no funds available for a down payment, and nothing I could offer the current owner to secure the sale. But miracles defy logic. Shortly after this time, I had an opportunity to meet the owners of the home. For some reason, we connected powerfully as we shared unique, yet painful stories of why I had to move, and why they had to sell. Nine months later, and after the sellers extended my contract four times, Sierra, Gentry and I moved into our new home. I remember my realtor commenting, "Sellers never extend contracts that many times. It's unheard of".
Miracles carrying me.
Miracles helping my spirit evolve and trust and hope.
Because even though the box can never really be "checked", it can, through faith and trust,  be turned into something resembling a blessing.
I won't give up. I can't give up. That's just not who I am.
And there are so many new things and good things happening.
More about that soon...
My new job, Sierra graduating, Drew coming home, and dating (?!) (Yep).

1 comment:

Ruth B. said...

Beautiful and enlightening. Thank you for sharing. I can't imagine, but I admire your ability to push forward and achieve. You are amazing!